Day 44

well well well, the last full day is finally here. i cant believe it has gone this fast. well it really does seem like i have been here for 6 weeks once i think back on it. alot has happened during these past 6 weeks. i have met so many people for all over the country and i think that in itself is amazing! i love meeting new people, especially ones that are from other states or countries. alot of the people here have become good friends and im gonna miss them and all the laughs we all had! this is just a chapter in my life, hard, good, life changing (in so many ways), painful, and joyful. I could go on and on about this place and the things i have learned. i honestly think more people should experience what i have here, not just addicts. you learn so much about life, its incredible. i honest know that if i had not taken this chance that i was presented with, i would have never found how to have true happiness. long lasting happiness. God does know what he is doing, even if i have to fall to the bottom of the pit to realize it. and thats ok, becouse it could be worse. im blessed with so many friends and family that care and that is amazing. there are some here who have absolutely no one and no where to go when they leave here. they would give anything to have even just one person that was there for them, but they dont. that is just so sad! anyways, i have to say, as far as experiences go, that teach you and you learn from, this is right up there with school. you go to school to get an education, which is very important. but i came here and learned about life. about how amazing it can be, and i am the one who can make it that way. no other place, no other counciling sessions, or anything could ever come close to teaching me what i have learned here. im truely greatful!! thanks mom! probably the best money you ever spent!! (well on me anyways!)

ok, yesterday, it was sort of a slow day. i went to the gym twice, and i had a meeting with Rit, the career guy, but that only lasted about 20 minutes. so, nothing much went on with me. just sort of hung out all day. after supper, we played wiffle ball. it was pretty damn cold out there, probably in the upper 30's and it was windy. so we bundled up and went out to play. ive never played this game before, so.....i didnt know what to expect. we had 2 teams of 4 each. there is not a whole lot that goes into playing wiffle ball. i did pretty good. we had some amazing laughs playing that game! one guy, ok........ill breif u on him really quick....he probably never touched a football in his life, has to find the science in ANYTHING you say or do, thinks he knows everything, and is ANNOYING AS HELL! he is a big pussy is what he is! so.......he is in the field, the ball gets hit in his direction, and he JOGS to get the ball and as he is jogging, he buckles down and grabbed his calf, and says.....".oh! my leg! im out of the game! " OMG! really?? r you serious?? this was in the first 5 minutes of the game! so, whatever, he is out. we could not help but laugh the entire game over that. i mean come on! ok, then we have chris. he is the one who is in my classes with me. he is 20, and a very good guy. i know alot about him since we have class together and this guy has a heart of gold, very determined, and considerant. he is like my little brother. so anyways, he is kind of competative. he is real athletic and stuff, great at sports. so he thinks wiffle ball is gonna be a breeze. he struck out 3 times!! we laughed our ass off so much over that!! he was getting soooo frustated! it was really funny. gues it was one of those you had to be there moments. we had a blast! so we come inside, an dandy pulls the game out called cranium. ive never played it before but it was pretty dang fun! i would love to have that game but it would require at least 4 people to play......but it was a fun game. we started off with 4 teams of 2. nicole and dave, andy and chris, me a nd lawerence, and gene and jimmy. we played it that way for a bit and then we decided to make it 2 teams of 4 instead. nicole, gene, jimmy and dave verses me, lawerence, chris, and andy. this game involes, drawing, acting, sculpting with clay,& trivia. and probably more, i just dont remember them at the moment. needless to say we got a lot of laughs out of that game! im glad my last few days here have been fun. and it also passes the time by faster! and that means the faster i get to see my family!! yay! its early in the day so, ill write more tonight and probably in the airport before my flight. so ttyl!

Day 42

Hmmm....day 37 to 42. im slacking a bit huh? lol! I'm just so ready to come home! I've been sick these past few days. I'm so tired of being sick! I'm getting better now though. I went to the Urgent Care center here Friday and I have Broncidus and Sinusidous. They gave me an inhalor and the Z-pack. That Z-pack always does the trick!! The pollen level here right now they say is ridiculously high right now. Half the house is sick becouse of it. I really wish I had kept up with my writing becouse, as I've said before, I forget things way to easily. Well, I've been getting ready to leave, so I have been finishing up the program. Its about preparing to come home and what we are going to do with our future. Ive got some pretty good ideas of what im wanting to do. Just to brief you, it includes getting a job, joinging a gym, volunteering, and finding a hobby I really enjoy. And of course spending time with my family! (that one should be a given!) Im also going to have my kids a bday party. I was not there on their birthday so we are going to celebrate it when i get home!

Yesterday we went somewhere that I enjoyed. It was a historical museum in Albany. They had some neat things there. Lots of history in that area. There was a carousel at the top of the building that a few of us went to ride! It was pretty neat. I sure didnt wake up that morning expecting that later I would be riding on a carousel! lol! You never know what to expect day to day! I could have stayed longer at the museum but some of the others were ready to go outside and explore downtown by the college. I admit, I was too. The town was beautiful!! Lots of old, gorgeous buildings! There were lots of people out and about as well. There was a tulip festival going on as well so there was alot of people out going to that. The tulip festival is something they do every year for mothers day. We didnt go to the festival, it was really big and we didnt have to much time. It would have been lots of fun though. I got some really neat pictures while we were walking around though! We did get a really good laugh out of something we saw though. there was about 50 (mainly) men in red dresses and wigs running down the streets! they said it was for beer! Im sure they were already drunk! It was really funny to see. As we were walking back to the museum, it started to pour down rain. I loved every minute of it! One thing I noticed though, it was like all the sudden everyone that was walking down the street had magical umberellas! They just seemed to appear out of no where! Everyone had one! But the whole time we were walking down the streets, i didnt see a single person carrying an umberella, yet, when it starts to rain, POOF! everyone has umberellas! oh well! I enjoyed it! After our adventure in Albany, we came back to the house. We watched a movie and just hung out. I got some flowers sent to me from Billy! They were so pretty! They make our room look really nice! I didnt really do to much that night. I just relaxed and hung out with a few of the people here, had lots laughs! Some of them are really funny! Its good that I got a good laugh becouse I have been pretty sick and somewhat annoyed here these past few days. A few of the people here annoy the shit out of me. One of them annoys me before he even opens his damn mouth! ugh! Just 3 more days... As the days get closer, the more harder it seems to get becouse im so ready to go home, the days seem to drag out longer and longer! That is annoying too! and it makes me frustrated! But, hey, I need to just chill and quit thinking that way. Ill be home really soon. No need to let it make me feel tht way.

So, today, I woke up and started to get ready for church. After I was ready, I went downstairs to eat breakfast. I look outside and it is snowing!!! wow! Snow on mothers day! Who would have ever thought!! A group of us walked to church in the snow this morning. I have never walked to church in the snow and I really enjoyed it! Yes it was cold and windy but I loved it! I havent done much else today. I need to go do some laundry.........maybe i should get that out of the way! ok, ...ill ttyl!

Day 37

Today is Wednesday and I just got home from the gym. The past few days I have been in a funk for some reason. Im not really sure why i have had such a sour attitude but I kind of have. I am sick with allergies and that has some to do with it becouse the ear aches, sore throasts, drainage, sneezing, drainage, and a little weezing does not really put you in the best of moods. I know some of those symptons dont really sound all like allergies, but thats how it started and I have just progressed from there. I finally got some medicine last night at Walmart. I took it this morning and now that I am home from the gym, im feeling better. I took, claritin, mucinex, aleve, and my other meds i have to take. So, Im good for now. I sure did wake up feeling bad though! Anyways, I havent written in a few days, I have felt to bad to write. but let me start out with an interesting (but gross) not. Alright. We got this new guy in named Jack. I have never seen anyone so messed up on heroin and opiotes (pain meds) and no telling what else, in my life. His father brought him in, but first tried to take him to detox here at the hospital in town. The hospital refused to take him, (which I didnt know they could do that) becouse he was taking saboxone. okay, let me take a little time out to explain two drugs to you. Saboxone, contains a substance that is similar to the opioids such as moraphine, codeine, and heroin, however it produces a less euphoric effect so it may be easier to come down off of. Then you have methadone. Methadone is a narcodic that fits in the same catagory as heroin, (or opioids). This medication is known to be safe and effective for the treatment of addiction to opioids, but now there is a growing addiction in people for methadone. When methadone is used, it is beleived to prevent moraphine and narcotics like heroin from getting to interacton receptors for painkillers that are basically natural and termed as endorphins. By ensuring that the effects caused by drugs that have an addictive nature are blocked, methodone reduces the physical craving that is normally triggered off. Both of these drugs have extreme withdrawl effects. They say sometimes it feels worse to come off saboxone or methadone than it is heroin. Some treatment centers distribute these medications to there patients but other treatment centers do not beleive in this method of treatment. Its pretty much like giving u a medication to help you ease the pain of the withdrawl symptons (heroin as an example) but then you have to detox from that medication as well with a good chance of worse withdrawl effects than you had coming off the heroin in the first place! Stupid i think. Anyways, back to my story on Jack. So, the hospital would not take him becouse he was on suboxone as well. Dont ask me why they wouldnt take him just becouse he was on saboxone. If you could see the state he is in, you would be suprised the guy is even alive. So, his father brings him here. He reakes of shit. literally. not BO, sweat, or just becouse he hasnt taken a shower. Reaks of shit. Shannon show him to his room. Where he took a shower and then got into bed. He is rooming with Sam. So, Sam is spraying the room with febreeze and lysol to take the shit smell out of the room. Sam goes into the bathroom and says he doesnt really know what all Jack did in that bathroom, becouse there was no soap, shampoo, towels, or anything in there. Sam said, i guess he just went in there and rinsed off and got in bed! Well, Jack was throwing up all threw the night. Sam helped him as much as he could. He was in bed all the next day, still throwing up. Well the next night, he starts haveing seizures, and throwing up and shitting all over himself. He shit all in his bed, all over his clean clothes (that were on the bed, yes, he was sleeping on top of them). He then slept all in it for the rest of the night. Sam got up and came downstairs to sleep, and said it was like Jack had no idea what he was doing or where he was he was so out of it. Well, by morning time, Jack finally balled up his sheets and threw them on the floor. turns out it was so bad, the sheets AND THE MATTRESS had to be thrown away! He still hasnt came downstairs at this point, he can barely stand up. The next night, Sam said that he would jump up in the middle of the night hollering, "Where is the bottom deck? And where is the captain?! Our ship is under attack!" Crazy huh? and then when Sam woke in the morning, he said that Jack was asleep in the middle of the hallway. Later that day, I saw him trying to walk to the bathroom. I go to my room for a minute and come back out to go downstairs and Jack has just took a seat on the floor in the hallway. Now, the hallways are really narrow, so, he is blocking the entire width of the hallway. I walk up to him and ask if he was ok, and his response was,"yeah...., you know,...just hangin out" I asked if he needed anything and he said no so I stepped over him and went on downstairs. Yesterday he finally came downstairs for a bit and ate a little something....but he is still in so much pain. He walks around with this look of agony on his face. Poor thing! I couldnt even imagine! Maybe he will be a little better today. We will see! We lost 2 guys last night. Christian and Chris B. Not the Chris im in a class with, that is Chris H. Christian tested positive for opioids. I really hated to see him go becouse he was so funny and I think he almost had completed the program. Now Chris B. ......he was prescribed oxycotton by the doctor for some reason, an injury I think. Well He got his prescription fill like almost 2 weeks ago, and they counted his pills and he was 38 short. So he had either taken 38 to many or had been selling some, i dont know. He was kicked out. What is sad is that this SAturday would have been his last day here. Sad right? But hey, like they say, its all about choice. They both chose to do that. The pills did not just jump down their throat. You make a negative decision, you will have negative consiquences. That was our drama for last night. I wonder if there will be any drama today....

We went to Walmart last night, and I stocked up on medication yesterday, but I forgot to buy more mucinex, i have one more pill but I need to walk down the gas station today and buy some more. But man, its so expensive to begin with, its even more crazy at this gas station! But i really need it so Ill go get some in a bit. Our outing for this evening is to go to the YMCA. Im probably gonna go, the girls wanna swim, but im not so sure if i wanna swim.....I dont know, we will see.

Oh! I found out that there are websites that can turn my blogs into a book! So, when I am done im gonna get this made into a hardback book. I think it will be really neat! Im gonna go in and fix spelling and punctuation and all before i get it printed, and maybe add a few little things here and there too. But, anyways, I wanted to share that with you!

Im so ready to go home. I will have to say, it has been an adventure here. And a good experience as well. I have met so many people from so many different places across the US. I have seen lots of sites around this area, and tried things that I normally would have just said no to back at home. Some things (like the mountain hike) that I never thought id ever get to do! This experience has been nothing under amazing, and I say that not just becouse of the people ive met and the places ive gone and the people ive met, its the learning experience that i have had. i have totally turned my negative thoughts into possitive ones. i feel i have totally changed my life into something i have always wanted but never thought id get or even come close to even knowing how to acheive this level of happiness. It feels great to actually be me again. Not haveing to depend on alcohol to create happiness for me, and to make me feel good. I dont depend on it anymore to stop the shaking, or the headaches becouse all that is gone. Ive learned so much here. I feel so happy and ready to live life, and do things, and enjoy every moment. Im ready to start over. I wish i could explain the way this makes me feel, like as in comparrison to........actually....like your really excited and your jumping up and down with your hands in the air hollering yaaaay! I know thats silly but thats what it feels like. Well, Im going to go start my day. (starting with homework) lol! ttyl!

Day 34 part 2

i thought id write a little about today so far. its 5 pm here and most everyone has gone bowling. i wanted to go but i feel to bad to do anything. sinus mess has kicked in again, and im so weak and sleepy, i had to sit out this one. i went to the gym this morning and had a good workout. i love getting up and going really early, it gives me energy and i feel so much better. next a few of us went to this Methodist church that is down the road. now, compared to the 2 churches at home that i really like (first west and life church), this one was a joke. there was no preaching what so ever, the song choices they chose to sing were just boring, not even a pretty tune to them. there was about 20 people in there including the 5 of us that were in there. but whatever. i did enjoy going though. well, the rest of the day i played on my computer and the worse and worse i felt. my throat started to hurt, along with my ears and my head. honestly i think there has been about only 10 days here that i have not been sick. maybe i will get better when i get home. so, here i am, just writing, cause i feel like it. hopefully i will feel better soon. i took some tylenol cold and flu stuff, but we will see! i have some homework to do tonight. i have to make a happiness list. we are supost to write down in catagories what does or would make us happy. absolutely anything. even like being a millionaire and stuff. so this should be pretty easy! lol! anyways, i just wanted to jot some things down! ttyl!

Day 34

first off, i just read yesterdays post and i said i was typing it on saturday and was writing about friday..........well i was wrong! lol! it was friday and i was talking about thursday! i dont know where i came up with that! today is sunday. ill start with yesterday...........i didnt go to the gym. i was thinking i was gonna give myself a break, and rest up and have a lazy day. and man was it lazy! i slept in, and then in a little bit, took a nap that was like 4 hours! im not so sure why i slept so much, but i just could not keep my eyes open. for the rest of the day, becouse i slept so long i was no good for anything, even conversation. i had the feeling of when you over sleep and you seem to drag around for the rest of the day with no energy. thats exactly how i was. while i was asleep, poppy banged on the door and woke me up wanting to know if i wanted to go to walmart with a few others. i said yes, not becouse i wanted to go to walmart, but becouse i wanted to go to the tanning beds which is beside walmart. i really like the tanning beds that they have there. it would be nice to have one of those of my own. haha! (i can dream) the tanning bed woke me up a good bit and i was feeling better. after walmart, sam needed to go to the cell phone store, (i dont know which company it was so im just calling it the cell phone store) we drove up and there were firetrucks and cop cars all in the parking lot. interesting! come to find out, someone set of f a little bomb in the bushes that cought them on fire. the cops were thinking of charging him with terrorism. (so they say) i dont know what came of that becouse we left. the rest of the day i was down again. everyone kept asking me if i was ok, and i was. just no energy or no care to have energy. as i said on facebook, i felt like a squashed banana. yuck. we had seminar at 6:15. movie night. we watched The Ultimate Gift. oh man , that movie was good! i have never heard of it before but man it was great! i cryed like a baby through half of it! so that movie really didnt help my squashed banana mood. i went straight upstairs and took a shower. after that, i just sort of hung around. i got on my computer, and looked for a new game to play on facebook. i found one called social city. i started to play that and i liked it! i used to play all kinds of the little games on facebook like farmville, fish world, petville.....games like that. i havent played any of them in a while. so i thought id get on there and see what i could find! and i found one! lol! i played that, and then went to bed. the next thing i know, i wake up, at 3:30 am with my face in my pillow, i was drooling in my hair, my light was still on above my bed, and my computer was still on. how i slept that hard i do not know. i got up and came downstairs to get something to drink. our overnight guy, Paul, was here so i sat and talked to him while he folded towels. after i drank my diet pepsi and ate some macaroni, i went back to bed and i slept great!!

Day 32

Today is saturday. so, im gonna end up writing about friday. my friday was good. it started out with the gym, which that workout was ok, but i was getting a little tired and weakish....but i did fine. me and my classmate, chris, went to eat lunch with our instructor jessica. we went to this place called The Recovery. (ironic huh?) there are like 6 or 7 of these resturants in NY. they build their resturant right across from a hospital. its a sports bar and grill. it was really neat. they had anything that has to do with any sport. they had a nascar section with like half a racing car mounted somehow on the corner of the resturant. and underneath was like a mini arcade. and it also had a pool table and a basketball game, and a air hockey game too i think. my kiddos would have loved it! to bad i cant take them to it. oh well. the food was good. and it was a nice change to get out of the house and go eat. even though last weekend me and billy went to 2 resturants i still like the opprtunity to go out to eat. it was good, but The Raindancer that me and billy went to was way better! after that, jessica (out teacher) talked us into volunteering at the nursing home. and that ment going and playing cards or checkers or do arts and crafts or whatever with the old people. noticed i said she TALKED us into it.... well, when we got there is was pretty awkward. but as we sat down at a table to play uno with 3 of the old women it wasnt so bad. then this one old lady, man she was a character! she was telling us that she doesnt have a boyfriend becouse she needs a variety of men! lol! and that she could teach matt, (one of our young guy instructors) a thing or 2 when she takes him to her house! lol! and that she is gonna to teach him to shimmy shimmy! and that he needs to watch out becouse she likes sexy music! this lady was a nut! i ended up haveing alot more fun than i thought i would have. after that, we came to the house and i took a nap that i had been wanting since the moment i got up. it was great! then we had supper and then we headed out to go play mini putt putt and go drive go carts. it was all fun and stuff. to bad the go carts didnt go faster than they did. and putt putt was ok but there towards the end it just gets boring. i was ready to go home by 8:00, we left 30 minutes after that. when we got to the house, there was nothing to do. so i ate some soup, watched tv, hung out with some people, and then went to bed. it was a good day but not to much exciting happened. hopefully today will be a good day! we will see!

Day 30

good morning! again, im writing a day behind. (just thought id enlighten you on that! hehe!) so......yesterday......i got 3 hours of sleep, i got woken up like 10 times from 12 till 4:30. this girl in our room, she has a sleeping problem. and when she cant sleep, she drives herself into a tizzy! ugh! well, me and the other 2 girls wanted to sleep, she ...all night long mind u, is stomping in the room, throwing shit, slaming the door and hollering I CANT FUKN SLEEP! talk about pissed when i woke up at 6am. so i let my teacher know the situation, and the staff ended up haveing a meeting in the evening (hmmmm i wonder why? lol!) anyways, class was good, i think im figuring some of me out. one thing i did learn about is, what i can do if the urge to drink comes on, a way to calm it or make it go away. as much as i have done great here, and have almost retrained my brain......(ill explain that process in another blog if i dont get to it in this one) literally thinking totally different, i have not wanted to drink, didnt really care to, and i am feeling great! but we are human, and there is a good chance u will THINK about it from time to time. notice i said think, not DO. as ur in the process of retraining how ur brain thinks (negative into possitive) the more it will be just second nature to think so possitively, u will be doing it and not even realizing it. and then the urges should slowly fade, and get fewer and fewer. ok, yesterday in class, we had to write about how we felt the day we came into the program, and then write about how you are feeling now. so i put it into two columns so i could easily tell the difference....these were my columns.....

the day i came here

• depresssed
• sad
• scared
• hurt
• detoxing (sucked)
• craving a drink
• guilty
• ashamed
• embarrassed
• hating myself
• worn down
• wanted to hide from the world
• horrible sleeping habits

how i feel now

• energetic (gym 2x's a day helps alot)
• happy
• outgoing
• excited
• confident
• hopeful
• i feel better
• i sleep better
• friendlier
• i dont wake up grouchy
• determined
• optimistic

so.......BIG difference huh? and im not just saying these things or putting extras in there to make me sound better, i really feel those things. makes you realized , hey, i really am progressing alot! and it is a confidence booster to see it written down in front of you. but, what im saying is even though im feeling sooo much better, doesnt mean im gonna not ever have the urge to drink. ive been doing this everyday for 10 yrs (ok, maybe 5% of the 10 yrs i didnt drink) im gonna have the urge every once in a while. (oh and if the 10 yrs comes to a shock to anyone, dont dwell on it, it is what it is, and it is in the past. so no reason to get mad or sit there and think about it in your head and let it get u down. its not worth it. we are looking toward the future now) but what i learned yesterday was what to do when u do have that urge. how to supress it, and make you realize how much you DONT need that drink. what all you could loose. my instructor calls them trade off"s. and ill show u what i mean. ok, say im really wanting a drink, stop yourself, take 15 minutes to sit down and really think about this. (by the way, its a proven fact that cravings only last about 15 minutes if you dont give into them. i know that sounds like BS, but if we handle the craving in a good positive way, it will go away soon) ok, so sit and take 15 mins, alone or if you have someone there that can help u and give u some support, they can help u too. ok make u 2 column on a piece of paper,start with the column of benifits of taking the drink. what would be beneficial in this.....

• instant relif of whatever it is bothering u
• quenched the craving

ok, so i came up with two. now, do ur 2nd column. it is your trade off's:what you could/would lose if you took that drink, in other words, what are you willing to trade off for a drink.

• could lose my kids
• could lose my husband
• could lose my family
• risking the chance of falling back into the downward spiral
• could lose things i own

now, there is 5, and i could have kept going. so i look at this list and say to myself, everything in the trade off list is everone i love. am i willing to trade off any or all of these things just to drink...JUST TO DRINK! when you stop and really imagine what your life would be like if you didnt have any of these things...everyone you love, everyone that makes you happy, everyone that loves you...., all for a drink. it makes u not say no but HELL NO! doing this on paper, seeing and reading and imagining it, puts things into perspective for you. to go from everything to nothing...i cant even imagine that! so, i think this little exercise is going to be great!

so, the rest of the day was pretty busy, after supper we went to go play some pool for a while and then back home. and fell asleep in peace tonight! yay!anyways, ill write later!

a little correction............

the book i am reading is called the brain that changes itself. just thought id let ya know!! :)

Day 28

today is actually day 29 for me but i didnt get to write about day 28 last night. i was to tired and im starting to not have enough hours in the day to get everything done! i usually go to bed at 12 or 12:30 at night, and wake up at 6am to go to the gym at 7am. and if i didnt go to the gym in the morning i wouldnt have enough energy to get me through the day. so im writing on early morning after the gym on day 29. what sucks about writing the next day is that i only remember like 60% of the day if i sit here and rack my brain over it. i dont like that either. so anyways, yesterday was ok i guess. i have 2 weeks left here and im excited! but im finding out i dont really know alot about me...and what i like. i dont have a hobby, and i dont do anything productive. i love photography and im gonna get more into that when i get home, and im gonna look for some sort of job as well. that will help occupy me time. there are other things i would like to do hobby wise, but i just dont know. plus it costs money and i dont know if id be any good at it. but hey, ill never know until i try right? hopefully i will soon.

well, yesterday i went to the gym twice, and omg are my arms sore from the weights! no pain no gain right?? i had class twice yesterday as well, and we had alot of homework to do. i got it done though. it took me a while, it was about finding out who you are and what type of person you want to be. that was hard for me becouse, who i want to be is simple, nice, caring, loving, laid back, happy, and to have a happy family! pretty simple right? but there has to be more than that, i know there is i just have to figure out what it is. and i could if i had more alone time here, its really hard to get a place alone to do homework , read and think. someone is always around or in the background. i could go outside on the bench in the yard and do all this but......not when we are expecting snow, right? so that option is ruled out. im gonna find a place today though. we had seminar yesterday too. i think it was on trust. good lord, i cant even remember what the seminar was on! ugh! either im forgetfull or my attention span is shot to hell! and i seriously dont think its my attention span. we got a new girl nichole yesterday. she is 20. she seems likie she will be cool, but i havent even known her for 24 hours yet. so we will see! we went to target yesterday, and i got some shampoo, and printed up some more pictures to send to the kids. i talked to nathan the other night and i told him that it was only 2 more weeks and i can come home! he was all excited and said mom!, 6 weeks really didnt take that long! lol! i miss those kiddos so much! ill see them soon though. after target, i sat in the tv room and chatted with a few people and then i went on upstairs and went to bed. i did some homework and i tried to read my book, im reading a book called the brain that fixes itself, (or trains itself...i cant quite remember.) i heard its a really good book and it has to do with all this BS, so i thought id read it. i havent gotten very far yet so i cant tell you much about it. well, im gonna go now. i have class in 15 mins. ttyl!

day 26

today started with the gym, which was great! then i just hung out for a while........im trying to think if anything exciting happened today before 1:00pm.......welll, i read a book and fell asleep. i took about an hour nap. class was at 1. and after class, me and chris went out to fire pit.with our autobiographies to BURN! I was excited! we got out there and Chris got the fire started. took us a min becouse it was windy. i threw mine in and we let it burn for a second and then he tossed his in. we sat there and watched pretty much the whole thing burn down. it was great! what a releif that was! and it felt like a clean slate, one to create with nothing but happy memories with family and friends! and that reminds me, something about this town makes me feel so free, so none stressed, i absolutely love it up here! i know alot of the stress is leaving becouse im feeling better and sober, but something about it up here in this area makes me smile, and the weather is amazing too! i so know that one day eventually i WILL be leaving louisiana. after the burning of the autobiographys, i read some more and watch tv until 4:00 when we went to the gym. that was another amazing workout! we had supper, it was all fried so i fixed me a salad. i was sittn at the table with chris, lawerence, little mike, gene, and andy, and we were all talking about what is there to do tonight? there was a pool tourniment (i wasnt gonna do that), so i said that i felt like taking a shower and then lets watch a movie. chris said that sounds good so thats what we did. we watched good will hunting. i have not seen it in a long time, it was really good. next came playing on the computer and then to bed. so, ttyl!

Day 25

HI! sorry i have written in a while, Billy came up this weekend so we were busy having a great time! He got here friday afternoon. the boss, Dave, said it was ok for me to go out with him that night! yay! so me and Billy decided to go out to eat, so i start getting ready and trying to decide what i was gonna wear. i figured it out and then i put on my make up and fixed my hair. (speaking of hair, im really sick of mine, i wish it was thick and long. instead it thin and stringy, so if anyone is willing to trade hair...please let me know! lol) so, im ready and i tell him to come pick me up. he gets here an i show him around the house, and he meets a few people and after lots of hugs and kisses we are off to go eat! there are only a few places to eat in Amsterdam. i was thinking amsterdam would be bigger than it is, but it is a small town!) they have this resturant called The Raindancer and Ruby Tuesdays. we go to the raindancer and it was packed so we decide to just go to ruby tuesdays for supper. it was nice there and the food was good. we had lots to talk about so dinner was entertaining! next we went to Target and i picked up a thing or 2 that i needed. Walmart was the next stop we made. (i know its silly to go to walmart and target, but u gotta realize, there is absolutely nothing to do here) we tried to go see a movie but they already had started. now that i think of it, we could have gone bowling or something...oh well! after walmart he took me back to the house and hung out a little while, met some of the guys here, and we watched a little tv. he left around 11..., its weird having him come pick me up and then having to leave at a certain time! lol! i hung out around downstairs for a little and then went upstairs and went to bed. I got up at 6:30 saturday morning to get ready for the day. Billy came to pick me up at 9:00am, and we decided to go to Saratoga Springs. They have a really neat shopping strip on a street called Broadway. it was a beautiful sunny day so that was a big plus! we get there , and we look for a place on broadway for Billy to get something to eat. We found a little cafe, it was really cute place. He had breakfast and I had a cup of coffee. after that we started looking around and going into neat little shops. i loved this area of town! the street was just lined with beautiful tulips and in all different colors! tulips are my favorite flower too! and the trees were so colorful! i dont think we could have picked a better day to go to Broadway st. there was a park there too, filled with beautiful pink flowered trees, there was a pond in the middle. we sat there for a while just enjoying the weather and watching the ducks along with the tons of people flying kites. after that we walked around some more, went in and out of all these cool little shops. we were getting hungry, so we went down one of the side streets and found a little sushi place and ate there. it was ok, definately no Samari!! (i told billy samari is the first place i want to eat when i get hime!!) after that, we drove around the town, which was soo pretty and clean! all the houses were beautiful! we were looking for this automobile museum. turns out it was in this huge park that had a golf course with a track circleing the entire golf course. the auto museum was towards the back of the park. we parked and went inside. they had lots old gorgeous old corvettes on the bottom floor, and old race cars upstairs along with other old cars. i loved it but it could have been a little bigger. oh well, we still had a great time! then we headed back to the house. i had to be back at 6:15 for the seminar movie. he stayed and watched it with me. the movie was The Edge. it was pretty good, kind of long though. when the movie was done, we left and went to go eat at the raindancer. and OMG, i loved it! it was really good, and the atmosphere was awsome! i really wish that we had one in monroe. i really enjoyed the dinner. he took me back to the house, and hung out a bit, and back to his hotel he went. i really enjoyed that day, we had so much fun together, and the weather was perfect! the next morning, he came to eat breakfast with me, and then we watched a little tv, and then he had to go. it really sucked when he had to leave, but u have to think positive, its only 2 1/2 more weeks, time really has gone by faster than i thought it would here. i have really enjoyed it here even though being away from my kids and husband, ive learned alot, way more than i ever expected id learn here. and i have literally changed my way of thinking so much, about everything! that has been the biggest change for me. i never ever thought i could learn to change everything just by the way i think about things. this is one of the best programs i have EVER been through and I honestly think that this is a program that should be offered everywhere, hell, put it in middle schools so kids will maybe learn how to see the possitive in almost every situation and learn how to make good and positive choses in every situation, that way they wont start off with negative choses and spiral downward from there becouse that is exactly what will happen. maybe the program could lessen the number of future addicts. i still have alot more to learn in these next 2 weeks and im excited about that. i am ready to come home so much but, i also know that i need these next 2 and a half weeks of the program. so, .......there was my amazing weekend! im so glad he got to come up! im fixing to head off to a class right now so ill write later! bye! :)

Day 21

i know i didnt write anything on yesterday........ill brief u.........it was a really boring day, until my girl alisha got kicked out! u heard me right! she drank the night before and i had no idea! :( they caught her and she is gone now! i hope she is ok, i miss her being here! :( im not going to go into detail, it just really sux that she is gone! but......what can u do? the other 2 amandas are still here! and i am enjoying there company. yesterday evening we went to the YMCA and i worked out while the guys swam. we had to leave the YMCA early cause we found out another guy got kicked out for smoking weed! what the heck?? the entire staff is beyond baffled at all this BS that is going on and they are totally stressed out. my teacher jessica said that this is just crazy cause its is never like this. she says normally MAYBE one person a month gets kicked out! so, for today, i spent all day (of my free time) finishing my autobiography. it turned out to be 24 pages! ugh! im sooo glad that is done! i also mailed my kiddos some pictures today as well! i hope they like them! we went to this place tonight about 40 mins away from here called Caffe Lena. it was an open mike type of thing and the people that played were awsome!! i loved it there and would enjoy going to a place like that every now and then! we dont have one in monroe, nor do we have the cool NY people to perform as well! the place that we went to was in like a downtown shopping area, alot like downtown new orleans but alot cleaner and cooler looking. i really enjoyed it there!

I banged up my knee tonight. I was running UP the stairs and fell! wth?? and my knee is probably gonna be colorful tomorrow! i sure hope not. good news about tomorrow though, my husband will be flying up here!! yay!! i know this is a boring blog, but i dont really have to much to say! hopefully i will have alot to write about this weekend and have lots of pictures to post on here for u all to see!! anyways, good night!!! ttyl!

Day 19

Well, today was not as lovely as i had planned it to be. I got up and went to the gym this morning, which was a good workout, then i came back to the house and did the normal routine of showering and getting ready. I didnt have class until 2pm so...what to do. i sat around, had some fruit, did some homework, and i started getting tired, so i came up here to take a nap. well, alisha woke me up about an hour later and told me that my class got switched to 11am and my instructor was Matt instead of Jessica. (jess had gone to vegas this weekend with her husband on a buisness trip and there flight back was messed up so she did not make it in time). so i hope out of my treehouse and grab my diet pepsi, and go out onto the deck where we were having class. man it was bright. running outside in the sun from being inside in the semi-dark, napping, is a big shock to my eyes! ouch! lol! anyways, i crack open my pepsi and ohhh it was grrreat!! it was so cold it had ice in it! and i love that! thats like one of those things that i really like.....like cold feather pillows, and the feeling of a new pair of socks being worn for the first time. anyways, we had a pretty quick class today. and after that, i came back in, we ate lunch, and then i came back upsetairs and fell asleep again. and this time i slept for 2 hours. it was a GREAT sleep! i didnt move an inch while i was asleep! and i know this becouse when i woke up i still had a good bit of lip gloss on! crazy! but let me tell you about the dream i had! omg! its so funny! ok, i ws at moms, and it was easter. for some reason, we had someone who dressed up in a purple bunny suit, come hopping up my moms front yard. i was outsude, trying to shove mashed potatoes inside of balloons, which somehow i succeeded, and began to throw them at the rabbit!! what in the world?? i swear, i have the strangest dreams sometimes!

ok, so i talked to the kiddos last night, and i asked them what kind of party they want when i get home, and natalie said she wanted bath junkie, so im gonna call them tomorrow and get all the details for a party there. and nathan said he wanted a camping one at home. he wants to roast marshmellows over a fire, sleep outside in a tent and he wants billy to grill hamburgers and steak, and me to make tacos! lol! tacos at a camp out! but hey, if thats what he wants then we will do it! i gotta look into buying a big tent tho...and figureing out how many kids we can invite and stuff. ive thought of some ideas for the party, but im trying to come up with more, sort of unique ones.......so if anyone has any ideas please let me know!

well, i needed to wash clothes today, and alisha was going to go with me, and we were going to show the 2 new amandas where the laundry mat was and stuff. so, we gather all our laundry, and get ready to go, and we ask the director, and he says we cant! that wwe have to have a freaking shaperone go with us! wth??? and of course, there was no one available to go! its all becouse of the stupid idiots who are using, and ruining privialges for everyone! yes they are getting caught and thrown out, but they r making us be on lock down! this to me is bull shit! why not just test us everyday or something? so, now for the time being, we cant go anywhere without someone coming with us! ugh! that really gave me the red ass today. im gonna be even more pissed tomorrow if i cant get my laundry done, im not gonna wear sweaty clothes to the gym!! anyways, i need to get off that subject, its pissing me off again.

so, after supper we had seminar, and we had a small exercise to do. one part of it was to name ur favorite animal. so of course, i put elephant cause i LOVE them! well then u were suposed to write 3 things adjectives about the animal. so i put big, grey, and cute. well, that was suposed to represent how we see ourself. lol! well dang! i see me as an elephant??!! i mean, i knew i needed to lose some weight but dang! lol! i found it funny!! well............i still have not finished my autobiography. im going to try to finish it tomorrow. i just hate writing papers! uh well! im going to bed now! night!

Day 18

today was a good day! and a refreshing one!! i went to the gym this morning and had a great workout! i am feeling so much better! (oh and babe, we are joining a gym when i get home and we are GOING! LOL, for real babe!) then we hung out around the house and talked and joked and watched some tv. later on, we went to the gym again. oh my goodness! im so tired from it all! but its great!! im feeling so much better, and im trying to get my energy back. im trying not to fall asleep during the day. ive gone from two naps a day to one nap a day. so, maybe its working. i went to sunbeds today as well. they have some awsome stand up beds! the tanning place sold the same lotions as the tanning place i go to in west monroe, but the lotion is outragiously priced here! a bottle of lotion that sells for 65 buck in west monroe sells for 165 bucks here! what the heck?? needless to say i did not buy lotion! lol! hopefully i will get to go at least almost everyday this week. ive lost my tan since ive been here! ugh! well, ive written a little on my autobiography, and its due thursday..........i need to get crackin!! im so ready to go home and see everyone!! and to be home in my house! i will say, this has been a big experience coming here. this place is a great place and the program is the best i have ever heard of for recovery. u meet so many people from all over the USA. off the top of my head lets see, we have someone from florida, massachusettes (i so cant spell that), california, kentucky, tennessee, virginia, idaho, virgin islands, long island, ohio............and i cant think of the rest....i think its really neat. im so ready to get home and live the new life im starting! i havent been this happy and positive in i dont know how long! anyways, im in bed, and im ready to go to sleep. tomorrow is going to be another great day! and ill let u know how it goes!!! night!

Day 17

Today was a pretty good day! it was one of those relaxing days, full of laughter, and lots of rest, and just down right relaxing to my brain. i went to the gym this morning instead of going to jog in the graveyard. i prefer going to the gym. i think i had alot better workout, (it was aolot harder too), than when i go jogging. so im gonna start going to the gym instead. and i can go twice a day. this morning at the gym, i worked out on this machine, and when i got off, omg i honestly had to try not to fall down! my knees were literally trying to buckle! thank goodness i made it to the little waiting area without falling down! when we get back at the house, i was gathering my stuff to take a shower, and someone is in my favorite bathroom showering! dang!! we have like 5 or 6 barthrooms but i have picked this one as my favorite. its cozy and its warmer than the other bathrooms. dang, this sux. oh well, i go into another bathroom to shower. and then i get ready and go downstrairs for brunch. on sundays we have brunch at 10:00 and supper at 3:00pm. most visitors come on sunday morning brunch to eat with whoever it is that they have come to visit. its always breakfast foods, and every sunday i eat the same things, eggs and fruit. i dont want the buscuits and gravy, bacon, sausage, pancakes, donuts, pastries, etc. after i ate i began to read on my book, which then made me sleepy. so i came up here to take a nap. and boy was it a good one! we didnt really have anything to do today, but i knew we were going to the movies around 4:00, so that was good. i started working on my autobiography. man, i have discovered that is going to take a while and it is going to be long! the more you write , the more stuff you think about that had been long forgotten! i got the childhood section done, for the most part. im glad i got that part out of the way. this week starting monday, we only have one class a day and that is at 2pm. so i will have alot of spare time before and after class......yay. it will give me time to finish this autobiography. i wrote my kids a letter, and me and alisha did some organizing to the room. we are getting a new girl today so we had to fix our stuff to make room for her and then the new one that is coming tomorrow, monday. so its tome to go to the movies. most of us went to see Death at a Funeral. it was pretty dang funny! after the movie, and back at the house, Dan comes up to me and tells me Dave is sending him home! what happen was, saturday, dan went to go play in a hockey game with his friends. the game was about 2 1/2 hours away. he didnt get back until this afternoon. he tested clean but he was not allowed to stay away overnight like he did. so, now it is just me and chris in our class.

well, we sat around for a while and just hung out, joking with each other and telling crazy stories. man, i heard some crazy sleep walking stories! i was rolling laughing! well, the new girl got here. and it looks like she really doesnt feel good. after she got all settled in, she went to sleep. hopefully she will feel better in the morning. we sat around and talked some more, and then me and alisha watched some desperate housewives! i so need to catch up on that show!! so, now im here, sittin in my treehouse , chattin it up on my blog! hopefully tomorrow will bw a good day too. im sure it will! ttyl!

Day 16

well, i started the day off by falling off the ladder of my bunk bed. it was around 6:15am, Alisha got up and it woke me up, so i was going to get out of the bed, and off the top of the ladder i go! im suprised i didnt go straight threw this floor! lol! it is saturday, so i didnt go jogging this morning, it was raining as well. i got up, showered, got ready for the day, and went downstairs and read some of my book, Glass by Ellen Hopkins, on one of the couches down there. it didnt take long, and i was out.......took about an hour nap. after i got up, i felt a little better except for the headache i had. so i went down to the store to buy some more aleve. that did the trick for this headache. yay! i was pretty excited today becouse we were going to go to the mall. i didnt hardly have any spending money, but billy put some in my account for me! thank u so much baby! it took about 45 mins to get there, and we only had 2 hours....suxs because we didnt get to do near the looking around that we wanted. but we had so much fun tho! they had some really neat stores but i didnt get to go in half of them. there was 2 i really wanted to go in but we didnt have time. :(

i cant complain though, im just glad i got to go. we got 2 new guys today. they seem pretty cool i guess. we have one guy here that i just cant even stand to be around. he is always messed up on something and im not sure what it is, honestly i think its heroin he uses, but he is so annoying. i hope he gets caught soon.

we have a girl coming in tomorrow, her name is amanda, and we have one coming and her name is amanda also. gonna have to make up a nick name for one or something. this sort of sucks because me and alisha have gotten used to it being me and her in this room and we have kind of taken over the whole closet and desks and stuff. and we get along so good so it makes everything perfect! i just hope these 2 arent bitches. but 4 girls in one room?? this is not going to be fun. oh well. heck, u never know, we may end up having a blast! we have these lock boxes, and today me and alisha put all our stuff like wallet, camera, meds, i put my notebook with all my passwords and crap in there, i put some jewlery in there as well. and my big bag of tons of lipgloss that i carry everywhere with me! we dont know these girls so we are gonna play it safe. so, after we did that, i moved my stuff to her side of the closet so me and her can share a side and the other 2 amandas can share the other side of the closet. there are 2 desks in the room too. so me and her combined our stuff onto one desk as well. sooo, we will see how it goes tomorrow! we havent done to much today, we did have to watch The Pursuit of Happiness tonight. thats a really good movie, sad though. i think tomorrow if im not mistaken, we are gong to go to the movies again. that would be nice! but im not sure.

im so excited that it is only one week until billy gets to come up here! im not sure what all we are going to do when he gets here. i need to search on the internet for things for us to do. but i cant wait!!

i need to be working on my autobiography but i soooo dont feel like it right now! i may in just a little bit. i talked to natalie a little while ago, nathan said he would call me back becouse he was busy drawing pokemon. lol! oh! this was funny, tonight i asked our driver poppy, if he would take me to sunbeds this week, and he was like, where? so i said sunbeds, and a few turned and looked at me with this confused look on there face, and i said, u know, the tanning bed? then they knew what i ment! they thought it was funny i called it a sun bed! lol! i just found that humerous and thought id share that with u! lol

Day 15

i got up this morning and the ground was all wet, yuck, but it wasnt raining. so i got dressed and ready to go jog. i could hear the wind howling outside, so i knew it was very windy. oh man, this is going to be a cold jog. i so wish i had brought me a beanie hat! (we are going to the mall tomorrow so im definately going to be looking for one to buy.) so i get ready and go out for my jog. it wasnt so bad after i got warmed up by jogging. it did start to sprinkle on me a bit, that wasnt so great. oh well. so, i got to the house, showered, and got ready for the day. i went downstairs at 9:00am. they were taking us to a laundry mat to wash clothes. well, i had washed all my dirty clothes yesterday at the laundry mat down the road from here. but i hitched a ride becouse there was a nail place right beside it and my nails desperately needed filling in! so, i got my nails done while a few guys did there laundry. and my nails look and feel soooo much better! yay! so we got back and lunch was going to be ready soon. and of course, its all fried crap, so i fix me a salad. im so glad there salad bar is great!! dont get me wrong, the food they cook here is VERY good but i didnt want anything fried, cause i wanna keep up the weight loss! :) after lunch i sat down on a couch to finish some of my homework. my class today was at 2pm. so i had about an hour and a half. well it wasnt 10 mins and i had fallen asleep. i slept till 10 mins before class started. class was good, we had a different teacher today becouse our regular one was on her way to vegas for the weekend! lucky her! so, after class, i was free to do whatever. i walked down to the convienent store and bought me a a 12 pack of diet pepsi and it started raining on me. yay. so, i sat down on the couch to watch tv, i freaking fell flat asleep again!! i dont get it, as long as im doing something im fine, but as soon as i sit down.....im out. i try so hard to fight it but i never win. i was falling asleep in seminar yesterday. i know the teacher saw me too. but she never said anything about it. we went bowling tonight and we had so much fun! of course, my first two balls i rolled i pulled my freaking butt muscle!! ???? crazy huh? and it hurts! :( u should see me walking up the stairs! ha! oh well. i told myself today that i was going to start on my autobiography tonight but im way to tired. i really need to start on it tomorrow.....

i found out that we are going to the mall tomorrow. yay! i dont really have money to spend at all, which sucks. oh well. im so tired. im gonna get some sleep. maybe tomorrow will be an exciting day! ttyl!

Day 14

well, this morning was all backwards. im used to getting up, jogging, showering, then going to class. well, i got up at 6:15 like normal but i had some reading i had to do for class that i did not get done last night becouse we went to that hockey game. so, i read what i needed to, i knew i would not have time to run before class, so i just went downstairs to eat breakfast and kill some time. well it was about 8:15 by now, and i laid down on the couch right in front of my teachers office, (thats where we have our classes) and i was so tired. i fell fast asleep. so, 9am rolls around, time for class. the 2 guys in my class wake me up, and we start class. i have no idea why i am so dang tired! well i figured i was that morning becouse i did not get to take my jog that morning. so straight after class i left for my jog. i like jogging in the morning forst thing sooooo much better! (even tho its cold) well, that woke me up. i didnt have time to shower becouse i had some homework to due before 1:00, and we had lunch at 12. well, i was doing my homework on the couch and i was falling asleep again!! like eyes rolling back in my head asleep. i was glad when that class was over, i was going to go take a nap but i needed to do laundry, so i went to do that with alisha instead. she taught me how to bleach whites today. hush it, no i didnt know quite how to do it! but now i do! while the clothes were washing i went and mailed my kids some letters and we walked around this little ole town some. after laundry, i watched some tv and then we had supper. we had seminar today around 6:15 and we had the teacher who takes FOREVER. we had an exercise that we had to do, we had to go up to 5 different people and ask them what they truely thought about me. now, look, i did not like doing that at all. after it was over we started watching tv. i got tired and came up here. alisha followed soon after me, she walked in the computer room and the wall was covered in mosquitos! someone had left the window and the screen still in open in there........not good, needless to say me and her have our door shut, we dont want any stray mosquitoes flying around while we are in there. so, here i am, tired as hell. im gonna go to bed! nite!

Day 13

today started out good, it was cold, but good. i got up at 6:15am and was out the door by 6:30. oh my gosh was it cold out! there was frost all over the ground! i jogged, and then back at the house with the same old morning routine. morning class was good, ended about 15 mins early, but then i was to talk to the career guy or whatever they say he is, i forget....his name is Rit. he is awsome to talk to, he is one of those people that just make you feel comfortable and stuff. easy to open up to, which is good. he gave me this stuff to fill out that will help me find what im interested in, cause i really am not sure. in the next few days, we are going to have to write an autobiography of our life. but only all the negative, painful stuff that wont seem to go away, and u have to tell it all. if u no something that u think u shouldnt put down, thats what really needs to get out the most. no one will read the autobiography, not even the instructors. we are supost to get it all out, all the negative, on paper. we have a week to complete this. and when we do, we are going to take it out back and burn it. burn away all those horrible negative things that keep haunting us. kind of like a cleansing, we throw away our bad past. now, for the next week after that, we are going to learn how to create us a new, happy, possitive future. start all over. a new life pretty much. its gonna be hard to write and remember alot of stuff, but i can do it. im just ready to burn the damn thing and start with going forward. so, thats what next week is gonna be like. i sure hope this works as good as they say it does!! anyways, we had lunch, and then another class, and then supper a while after that. i kind of kept to myself today, stayed in my room alot. i was on the computer alot today, but i really didnt feel like going downstairs either. i should have becouse it cheers me up to be around people when i start to feel down, and sad. i miss my kids and billy so much. today it just stung i guess. oh! i did mail nathan and natalie a birthday card. i know its late but i couldnt get a hold of any cards until last night when we went to target. and speaking of target, i got the cutest sock monkey slippers! i found out not many people know what a sock monkey is here! one guy knew what the sock monkey was, but everyone else was like ....a what monkey?? sock?? i found it odd!

i also wrote the kids a letter today as well which im not going to mail until tomorrow so they will get mail on a seperate day from the card. i have natalie and hannahs letters to me pinned up on my bulletin board! i love to look at them!

we were getting ready to go to the albany river rats hockey game, ive never been to a hockey game before , so i was pretty excited! it takes an hour to get there, but the ride usually seems alot sooner than an hour becouse there are alot of people in the vehicle, makes the time pass by quicker. so, we get to the game, just in time. the game started 10 mins after we sat down. i brought my camera hopping to get some decent pictures to show nathan. anyways, the game was really fun, i thiink there was like 4 fights , one was pretty big!i thought it was funny that when the guys would run into the wall thing, they looked like a mosquito that got squashed by ur windshield! lol! the river rats won in the last minute and a half in the game!! it was awsome! we finally got home at almost 11:00pm, and i have part 1 and 2 of chapter 7 to read tonight. i think im gonna read part 1 tonight and part 2 in the morning...

Day 12

well, let me just say, im actually on day 13 and was gonna write about day 12 becouse i was so tired last night, but i can hardly remember what the heck went on yesterday!! i have to write about that day on that day or i will forget most of it! gosh that sux! so, sorry, im skipping day 12, ill do day 13 tonight after the hockey game we are going to!

Day 11

well well well, what can i say about today, i started it off with a run of course, and for some reason i just did not do as good this time as i have been, im not sure what my deal was today. it was still a good run, and i always feel better after i do it. after my run, i find out that our administrator dave, the one who took us on the hike, got transferred to the executive house,(you know, the ones that roll in the escalade), becouse him and the head boss got in an arguement. i was pretty shocked. oh well. so i shower and get ready for class, and i eat a banana for breakfast, (and u know what i found out that i like? a cold banana, fresh out of the fridge!) and then i have some hot green tea. class went pretty good.........nothing major happened in it today tho. when class was over, i did my homework and then we had lunch, and for the life of me i cannot even remember what we had for lunch! oh well, not really important. so, after my 2nd class, i come upstairs for a while and play on the computer. (im telling u, it was a boring day) we watched tv, ate supper which was pizza. i didnt want pizza so i made me a salad. i took about 8 bites and started feeling naucious.............made it to the bathroom just in time!! i didnt over eat either, i dont know. so like 3 hours rolls by and im getting hungry so i grab me some yogurt and go to the tv room to watch some tv, halfway through that, i was feeling sick again, so i stopped eating that. so, as me and alisha are watching tv, we see one of the head workers start handing out drug tests to some of the guys, so we know they suspect something, but we are just curious as to what.........me and her didnt get tested. well, one of the guys here failed there test. he is so worried too becouse if he gets kicked out he says he is going to be on the streets. thats really sux. as of right now though im not sure what is going on but i guess ill find out in the morning. i know this blog was sort of boring, but so was my day. on a boring day, not much to write about, so that makes a boring blog. night!

Day 10

i was worried i was going 2 be really sore today from the mountain climb yesterday or still sick with fever, but actally i felt really good! im glad that horrible fever went away, i sweated it out though last night! my pillow, sheets, and head was wet....ugh. so i got a shower and i felt better. went downstairs and realized its visitors brunch day so breakfast/lunch will be served at 10am and then supper is at 3:00. who the hell eats supper at 3:00pm. ?? so after we are done, me and alisha, walked down to the laundry mat to wash some clothes. its actaually not that bad going to a laundry mat cause u can get 5 loads going if u need to! saves alot of time but it does cost.me and her walked around outside some, went the the little river thing they have and watched the ducks. after a little walking and checking out the town that could b nice if people would at least paint there houses!that would be so much better! we went back and threw our stuff in the dryers. then i needed to go to the gas station to get some pepto, my stomach was hurting.well turns out the pepto didnt work! :( so we came to the house and i got on the computer and realized i needed a nap....i was really sleepy. now itsa around 1:30 at the point, and this would have been my 2nd nap of the day. (i forgot to mention i napped from like 10:15 - 11:00 downstairs on the couch on the game room) i dont know if its the getting up eatly or what, but i need a nap everyday. that doesnt mean i always get one though. so i climb up in my treehouse and sleep from 2 - 3. i get up , eat whatever it is that they call eating supper at three is. next is the movies. me and alisha are going to the movie by tyler perry, why did i get married too. we all pile up in the van and head for the theator. me and alisha were the only ones in our movie! oh heck yeah! so we get us some seats and get ready for the movie! a little through the movie, she said hey wait, look at those chairs over there! what in the world? so i looked and one side of the theator had big nice coushiony chairs, and the other side had these olittle hard ass chairs. and guess which ones we were sitting in
?? the little hard one! so of course we move over! and how in the world we did not notice that from the get go i have no clue! the chairs are way different and there is a big size difference in them as well. well, the movie was so good! i love all his movies though. but this one is worth seeing again! im definately gonna watch it with billy when i get home! it will prob be out on DVD by then. so we came home.........now im bored. so me and her decided to go get on the computer and i emailed her some pictures and then i played around on here a bit while she got on the computer in the other room. i didnt really go downstairs much this evening, becouse i had a chapter of homework i had to read which took me a good 45 mins. after that though i was in the mood to fix me some hot tea and hop on the couch and watch a good movie. but of course all the guys downstairs was watching something stupid. im gonna have to go to walmart and buy a few of those $5.00 movies to play on my computer or something. they dont even have good movies here. they are all guy movies. yuk. well, me and her end up going downstairs to get us something to eat becouse ya know, if u eat supper at 3 in the afternoon....your gonna be hungry later! thank god for left overs!! after that i came upstairs, washed my face, got in bed and man, i was tired. i text billy for a minute and then went to bed.

Day 9

alright, so i wake up and its 6:00am here. i cant go back to sleep , as much as i would love to, so i go ahead and pick out what im gonna wear on the hike, grab some of it (i had many layers picked out) and hit the showers...........today is the day we climb a mountain, something i had ALWAYS wanted to do ever since i can remember just didnt really think i would get the chance, and after i dry my hair, i walk downstairs and Paul, our overnight guy, (and what i mean by that is he comes in around like 11pm and stays till at least 8am, and he just makes sure no one tries to pull anything crazy during the night) says i bet ur not going running this morning! i said well actually im not but why you say that? its snowing outside! and by the look on his face i was thinking alot of snow, i ran to the window after i got threw jumping up and down, to see nothing but a few snow flurries! ????? i said paul, it is not! he started laughing, i just wanted to see how ud react at the mention of snow being that ur from louisiana and all! (shit head) so dave, our instructor who is going to take us, gets there at 7, takes the ones who want to go to the gym up to the gym with him, and they are back by 8:15 or so. well dave said the hike is still on, and by this time i had convienced myself i was not going. i told him i wasnt going to go, and he said,yes u r! i know how excited u were to do this, and besides, it will get u out of the house, do u really wanna just sit here all day? he had a point. so i run upstairs to get my shoes and a jacket. i had on 2 long sleeve shirts, my saints jersey (thanks baby for sending it! i got a kick out of what some people said, dave said, ok, so isnt it bad enough that ur rubbing it in our faces with the jersey? but shockey?? he is a former giants player! ) lol! anyay, the only jacket i have is my pepto pink aeropostal jogging suit jacket. i walk downstairs and he said, well, u dont have to worry about those bears not seeing u! u dont have a warmer jacket? its freeszing way up there and the wind is a bitch! i said no, so he found me a coat, we loaded up with food and water and a few extra sweatshirts, and off we went, it takes an hour to get there. we were going to a town called Hadley, and we are climbing Hadley mountain up to the top where the fire tower is (which i climbed that too by the way). ok, wait, let me back up a hair, ok, our retreat house, well there are 3 of them, ours is twin rivers, one is mountain view, and the other is called the executive retreat. ok, let me tell u about the executive retreat for a second. this one only houses 5 people, u have ur own room, there is a spa, a pool, a massage girl,(and how i knew there was a massage girl is that one of them mentioned on the way up the mountain that he hopes the massage girl comes today) and lots of other really nice things, its also like 22,000. ok, well a few of them are going with us. they are meeting up here and r going to follow us. well i get in our big ole white van (its just so lovely), and after we leave i turn around and see this big black shiny escalade following us and i said who is that and they said thats the executive group. what the hell???? we are rolling in a big white van and they are rolling in a brand new escalade?? we got jipped! lol! anyways, so we are headed there and i got a big ole seat to myself! yay!! after i loose phone signal, which wasnt long, i lay down and nap. i woke up at the perfect time too, we were entering the most amazing views of these mountains with a lake in the middle!! amazing!! i had never seen anything like it! A few mins later we are there. by this time i had to pee, i figured there would be a bathroom of some sorts at the parking lot or beginning of the trail, but no...........well damn.......(at least i learned how to squat and pee in my drinking days !! lol! sorry if that was gross) so i go into the woods and pee, ok, now we are all ready. poppy, our driver, is leading the fast group and dave is gonna lead the slow group. ok. i knew this was going to be hard but OMG, i haven't done anything this hard in years ........and years!2 miles up, steep too, some places i had to use my legs and hands to get up these big rocks, poppy and his group which was all the guys except Sam, he has plates in his knees, were soon gone. (there was only like 6 guys and me) so we took our time going up and i bet we had to take 20 3 min breaks on the way up becouse i could barely feel my legs!!!! at one point i had a tear fall cause it was so hard but i sucked it up and did it! if it wasnt for dave pushing me to keep going i would not have made it, he would say i know ur cussing me but once u get there u will be amazed at what u see and u will feel so good that u accomplished something so hard! and he was right! i got to the top and everyone hollered yay new orleans! (haha) ( oh, by the way, i picked up the nickname new orleans heading up the mountain) man was it one of the most beautiful things i had ever seen!!!

so then i climbed the fire tower, and man.....the wind was stronger than id ever felt wind to be!! but i held on and made it up there, and THAT view was incredible!

we sat up there, ate, and took a few pictures and back down we go...........this was sooooo much easier. but it was slick and i had to be careful not to bust my ass, and i didnt! almost did but i didnt! when i was getting close to the bottom, it was starting to hurt my knees. but we made it without stopping. yay!! i was so excited that i did it!! i had no idea it was that hard! i was glad to get in the van tho! dave said, well kim, we go on a hike almost ever 2 weeks wanna go back and i said HELL NO! im so glad i did it, even tho it was torture but it was awsome as well! ahhh, back at the house. first thing i did was flop on the couch i think. omg im gonna be so soar in the morning i can garentee u i wont be able to walk down the stairs!! well, i think we got to the house around like 3:15 or something, supper was at 5,(who eats supper at 5 anyway?? i hate that) i wasnt really hungry so i just ate some broccoli and a meatball with spagetti sause on it. by then i was starting to shiver, i still had on my 2 long sleeve shirts, saints jersey and pink jacket. we had a mandatory movie that everyone had to watch at 6:15, so right after supper i went upstairs, grabbed my comfurter, and came downstairs, claimed the recliner so i could ball up in this blanket and be comfy. i was soooo cold still and i could feel the fever setting in.......i wanted to go upstairs and get some aleve but i new if i took my covers off it would be like taking a very cold bath and u were cold to begin with! i would have gotten someone else to go get it but it was in my lock box, and we cant have anyone knowing the combination. so FINALLY about halfway threw the movie i was warming up. i gathered up enough nerve to go get some aleve. well it kicked in fast. i started sweating like crazy!! i felt horrible! i said forget this movie, i dont care if the instructor wants to know why i wasnt in there, i feel horrible. i went upstairs and got in my bed. but this time i guess it was like 7:30, i talked to billy and natalie and fell asleep.

Day 8

today was a pretty good day! eventful!! we only had one class today because it is friday, (we only have one class on fridays). so, after our class, we had lunch, and then after that.......off to pick up trash on the side of the road! lol! no, really, this place does the adopt a highway stuff, so we get to go pick up the trash on that highway. it was voluntary, i didnt have to do it, but why not right? i have nothing better to do! (as it turned out, i actually had fun! lol) so, well, id say there was about 10 of us who went. it didnt take long either and we didnt have a really long strip to clean. so, we pile in the van, and off we go! in the very back are the lovely orange vests, and big ass bags! well, we pull up at our spot and we all pile out, put on the orange, and some rubber gloves. and THANK GOD for the rubber gloves becouse that shit was soooo gross! one guy found a dollar, to bad i didnt find that! lol! alisha had to pick up a freaking baby diaper, no telling how long it had been there, none of us wanted to get the diaper but she finally gave in and did it! yuk!

after we were done, we hopped in the van and they took us to get ice cream. since i cant eat ice cream, (lactose intolerant majorly) i got what was called an italian ice. it was pretty yummy!! back to the house we go. well, i found out that i got some mail today!! yay!!! a letter from natalie and a letter from hannah! i loved the letters so much! im gonna pin them to my bulletin board, when i get some tacks! and a package from billy! i didnt pack enough clothes so he packaged some up and sent them to me! yay! i still hate to have such a small amount of clothes to choose from! it really sux. later that evening, we had supper. huge crab legs!!! sooo good!!! and then next was bowling. that was fun! i havent bowled in forever! i thought i was gonna break a nail, speakin of, i need to go get them filled in this week. ok, so we got the bowling score thing ready, got us a ball, and got ready to play. ok, when it came my turn, go figure.....the dang thing messed up! the man had to come fix it! and not just the first time i stood up there did it break, but the first 3 times!! and only on me!!! go figure huh?

i was ready to go back to the house by the time we got done. i was plum tuckered out!! i think i fell asleep like 9ish! on a friday night too! (im writing this a day late by the way, i was way to tired last night to even attemp to type anything! ok, well ill ttyl!!

day 8

ok so i just wrote day 8 and did something wrong and it erased it! it was boring anyways. tomorrows should be good, we do adopt a highway and we get to clean up trash on the road! ugh..... but we are going bowling that night! im sure ill have a good one then! so, sorry about today!

Day 7

well.........today sort of sucked. i woke up at 7am and went for a run in the graveyard down the block from here. that was refreshing, and im going again tomorrow morning as well. came in, showered and went to class. 1st class was alright. now i had 2 hours to kill. good lord what can i do now? i know i need to do laundry today, but thats gonna have to wait till after supper. oh and by the way, laundry day is friday and they take us to a decent laundry mat, but if u need to do laundry other than that day we have to walk probably about half a mile down the road, yes with the big old laundry bag with all ur laundry as well.and that place ............well, lets just say im suprised the front porch hasnt fallen off. anyway, i was really bored. and what was odd is the house was sort of empty, i guess other people were in there classes, but it just seemed strangly quiet. i came upstairs to my room and decided to put on some make up. (that took up a good bit of time, takes me a while to do that. lol) i dont really remember what i did after that until noon when we had lunch. then class was at 1:00. ok, the first half of this whole thing that we are doing is getting to realize why we were drinking, what the causes were, trying to figure out what negative feelings we have and teaching us how to deal with them correctly instead of covering it all up the easy way. the instructor said its gonna be tough and hard, but it has to be done. yay. well we had this exercise (a short one) where we listed some negative thoughts that we have.....like...i hate my ex (lol! that one happens to be true!) , i hate my job, im so alone, etc. then u take just the feelings part from the statements like....i hate, i hate, im alone, etc. and those feelings that u have, thats what ur carring around with u, even if u dont realize it. well when u break these negative feelings down , u can visually see what ur carring around....makes u realize more than u thought u knew. mine turned out to be

1. i hate

2. i failed

3. i miss

4. i hate

5. i miss

6. im ashamed

7. im embarrassed

then when u look at it, im like damn....no wonder i drank. i was covering up things i didnt even realize until i thought about it and wrote it down. so, we are trying to break everything down and then build it up positively. that one was an eye opener. but im sure a needed one. now at the second class, we talked alot. (by the way there are only me and 2 others in my class. we do small classes becouse everyone is on a different level according to when they came into the house and plus small groups r better for things like this) but our homework was to write a eulogy (sort of), for yourself from the way u think the person who would have written it thinks of u. ok, more like this.....i was to write a sort of eulogy/letter to me but i was to write it from how i think billy see's me, and feels about me. and i know all eulogys are good, i mean come on, who is gonna bash a dead person in front of all the friends and family? but we were to write the good and bad. that way if we tried to see ourselves threw someone elses eyes that we think this has hurt, we may be able to realize a little bit more. so, i thought that was going to be horrible, but actually, it wasnt so hard. turns out i know his brain more than i thought! well, i could breathe a sigh of releif after i got that done. so, i just kind of hung out here and watched some tv and then ate supper. after supper, me and alisha gathered up my dirty clothes and threw them in my laundry bag, i threw the heavy thing over my shoulder and out the door we went! (oh just in case u were wondering why i just didnt wait till friday, turns out i did not bring enough clothes on this trip! or shoes! lol!) so we walk down the road and we have to cross this bridge....alisha said, i noticed people are staring at us. i said, well prob cause we look like 2 run aways with this big ole laundry bag full of clothes on my back! lol! so, we are approaching this laundry mat place......and she was right, it looked like an old abandoned building. wow, im just waiting for the porch to give out or something while im standing on it.....i mean really, if it was gonna give out, it would wait on me to step on it before it fell through. we get in there and the inside is not that bad. well it took almost 10.00 to do 3 loads of laundry! my lord! this is gonna add up quick! we walked around outside while the clothes were washing, there is a lake, stream thingy so we go out there to it. we were talking and i knew she was from africa, but i didnt know she lived there until she was 16! wow! she told me all kinds of stuff about over there that i didnt know. so cool! so, we are walking back to the house after i had put my clothes in the dryer cause i gotta pee. im carring the laundry detergent back as well. well all the sudden this bug flew down my shirt! scared me to death and i threw the detergent and screamed. i dont know where the bug went either cause i couldnt find it! lol! anyways, i went to the bathroom, and we went to pick up my dry clothes and back to the house we go. and once again.....bored. half the people in the house went to play a pool tournament, i passed on that one. me, alisha and a few others watched the movie rock and rolla, it was pretty good. then some other people had walk the line on in the game room so i watched a little of that. now im here in bed. hmmm, boring day. i hope tomorrow is better. it should be because we are having a backyard bonfire at night (if its not raining). that should be fun! talk to you guys later!

Day 6

well today was a good day, and a busy one. and some funny stuff happened too. .........................the morning started off good, i actually woke up before the alarm clock was set to go off. crazy huh? i have class at 9 and its 6:30am so i go ahead and shower and get ready for the day. had some breakfast and went to class. class was very interesting today. we talked alot about, well.....i guess i could almost call it common sense. i have found a few statements that i liked while doing todays homework and in class time. i personally like the the theory, or method or whatever you wanna call it that they teach. im gonna give u some examples, im gonna give u the statements i found i liked and if u stop and think about it, ull see what i mean about common sense............

1.sobriety or even moderating use of substances is dependant on your choice to abstain or moderate your drug and alcohol use. the truth is, alcohol and drugs have no power. they are inert substances, not living, breathing, supernatural entities. therefore nothing supernatural is needed to make the choice not to ingest them.

2.first and foremost, you are not powerless nor are you diseased. it takes thought, choice, and physical action to drink, shoot up, or smoke drugs. these things do not happen over your objection or out of your control. a bottle does not leap off the table and pour itself down your throat. a needle does not wrestle you to the ground and stick itself in your body. you have always known this. to the contrary, cancer is out of a person's control. a cancer victim does not decide (choose) to get a tumor one day and then decide (choose) to eliminate the tumor with equal ease on the next day. cancer is a disease. your problem is not even remotely "like cancer or diabetes". your problem is a behavior. behavior is a conscious choice.

3. alcoholism is not a disease. the act of drinking alcohol(or ingesting any other substance)is a conscious behavior. behavior is always voluntary. it is never involuntary. if the word alcoholism has any meaning at all, it describesa set of behaviors, certainly not a disease. behavior is self determined by choice. thus, if alcoholism (addiction) is a disease at all then it is the only disease where cure is by choice. in fact, choice is the only method by which people stop abusing substances.

ok, i know alot of it is pretty much the sme thing, but i liked those 3 and thought id share it with u. its saying we are not sick or diseased or bound to relapse causeu have a disease that will never go away. u chose to do it, now u can chose not to do it. its n ur power. the substance has no power. u have to be the one to say no and to make the right choice. and thats what they are helpin us with.

ok, soooo now we have lunch. and i notice as im throwing my tray away, that i have kitchen duty along with a guy named chris at supper! DAMN! im so not looking forward to this. i hope i can find some gloves. thats alot of freaking dishes. AND the bins the food is in (i think they are called bins, or maybe trays, i dont know....its those things that picadilly puts all there food at the buffet.) and there are 5 of those. and the silverware, (thank god we use throw away cups) and wipe down all the big tables and there are 6 of those. well dang.

anyways, class #2 comes up and i told the instructor that i was falling asleep while reading so i got some cappiccino to wake me up and it did the trick! but i told her that i cant handle cappiccino well but the warmness was really soothing to my throat, which is still sore by the way and i still sound like i swollowed a brillow pad. she asked me if i liked hot tea, and said u bet i do! love green tea with a little honey in it! she told me where it all was so i can make that instead. YAY!! i love hot green tea with honey! i would drink it everyday if i could!(dang, i wanna go downstairs and get some now....but ill wait till im done here.) so, ok....after class i go and sit at one of the tables. there was an instructor sitting there talking to some of the guys. i had just made some hot green tea, found the honey, put it in the tea, stirred it up, yummm! now i just have to let it cool down a bit because its steaming! i was sittin there talking with all of them, and i had scratched the back of my neck right when i sat down, about 10 mins later, i happen to reach back to rub my neck for a second and im like (thinking to myself), why does my neck feel sticky? ok, i didnt think nothing about it for a few mins, butthen i was like hmmmm.....so i reach back there again, and it was sticky, then i feel my hair right there by ur neck, the underneath part of ur hair, and OMG! and im saying this out loud without even thinking, OMG! i have honey all in my hair!! oh it was not just a tiny bit either, it was stuck sticky. only washing my whole head was gonna get this out! ugh! we are laughing our asses off by this time, so i go upstairs to put my hair in a ponytail, and look back there at it, and it didnt look that bad at all it was just sticky, so.....i left it. i didnt want to wash my hair again today. ok, now ive got my hair in a ponytail. problem solved. i go back downstairs and sit back down at the table. we all laughed, and i said my neck is all sticky too! and all this time, im wondering how i got the honey in my hair when i watched all of it go in my cup! someone said , dont go outside, the flys may come after u! then i said without even thinking, "a bee might come sting me!... oh wait, bees MAKE honey!" we all were laughing histerically. so after we finally quit laughing, i walk over and got a napkin and sat back down. with the water bottle that i had on the the table, i poured a little on the napkin to wash off the stickyness on the back of my neck. so im rubbing the honey off with the napkin, put the napkin down, felt the back of my neck, and the napkin had left little napkin wads on the back of my neck AND STUCK ALL IN MY HAIR WITH THE HONEY! so now i have napkin shit all in my hair! so im trying to pull the napkin stuff out and IT WONT COME OUT! i had to get the instructor to get it out! she barely could cause she was laughing so hard! but we finally got it out! geez! i mean wasnt the honey enough?? but napkin too? good lord! so....after that things calm down, watch a little tv, ok, now its supper time. damn. im really not wanting to wash all these dishes! ok, so we are eating lunch, ok, wait...let me back up for a second. we got a new guy today. and he looks like harry off of dumb and dumber. no lie. ok, with that said, i can continue. ok,im eating lunch and i happen to look over.....at the new guy, his back is towards me. and OMG, MAJOR ass crack showing! im talking like 8 inches of harry ass crack! i gag all the sudden and start laughing my ass off! the guy Dan that was sitting beside me was like, what the hell? what is it? by this time, im about to fall out of my chair. so i calm down and show him, and he was like wow....im done eating. omg, how does he not feel that half his ass is sticking out of his pants?? i mean really! well, now its time to do the dishes. i go get chris cause he is to do them with me. ok, let me just say.............this dishwasher they have here is crazy amazing! ok, u slide the trey of dishes in, pull on the leever thing, it shuts, the dishes r done in 2 mins!!! yes! 2 mins!! i so need one!! ok so we walk over to the big sink thing and the washer and it smells like a freaking dirty diaper!im gagging, and then touching other peoples dirty plates! not good! chris says he'll wash them if i put them up. sounds like a plan to me!! so it takes us about 30 mins to do all this and wipe down tables etc. ok, next is our seminar. its on self esteem. and we had to do a game where we write our name at the top of a clean sheet of paper, and pass it around to everyone and they write something possitive about u down. it was pretty cool. found out people like my southern accent....i knew it was bad but i guess it stands out alot up here. this is what i got back on my paper....

friendly and open

from louisiana

love the drawl

very polite person

great laugh

beautiful sense of humor

open for conversation

very friendly southern charm

she's here

very nice

1st out of the 2 females

very nice person

love the accent

good humor

nice accent

friendly

love the laugh

love the accent

beautiful person

so...........i thought that was nice! as u can tell, i think my accent won. but anyways, after that we went to walmart. now we are home. im fixing to go downstairs to find a snack! talk to u tomorrow!