Day 30

good morning! again, im writing a day behind. (just thought id enlighten you on that! hehe!) so......yesterday......i got 3 hours of sleep, i got woken up like 10 times from 12 till 4:30. this girl in our room, she has a sleeping problem. and when she cant sleep, she drives herself into a tizzy! ugh! well, me and the other 2 girls wanted to sleep, she ...all night long mind u, is stomping in the room, throwing shit, slaming the door and hollering I CANT FUKN SLEEP! talk about pissed when i woke up at 6am. so i let my teacher know the situation, and the staff ended up haveing a meeting in the evening (hmmmm i wonder why? lol!) anyways, class was good, i think im figuring some of me out. one thing i did learn about is, what i can do if the urge to drink comes on, a way to calm it or make it go away. as much as i have done great here, and have almost retrained my brain......(ill explain that process in another blog if i dont get to it in this one) literally thinking totally different, i have not wanted to drink, didnt really care to, and i am feeling great! but we are human, and there is a good chance u will THINK about it from time to time. notice i said think, not DO. as ur in the process of retraining how ur brain thinks (negative into possitive) the more it will be just second nature to think so possitively, u will be doing it and not even realizing it. and then the urges should slowly fade, and get fewer and fewer. ok, yesterday in class, we had to write about how we felt the day we came into the program, and then write about how you are feeling now. so i put it into two columns so i could easily tell the difference....these were my columns.....

the day i came here

• depresssed
• sad
• scared
• hurt
• detoxing (sucked)
• craving a drink
• guilty
• ashamed
• embarrassed
• hating myself
• worn down
• wanted to hide from the world
• horrible sleeping habits

how i feel now

• energetic (gym 2x's a day helps alot)
• happy
• outgoing
• excited
• confident
• hopeful
• i feel better
• i sleep better
• friendlier
• i dont wake up grouchy
• determined
• optimistic

so.......BIG difference huh? and im not just saying these things or putting extras in there to make me sound better, i really feel those things. makes you realized , hey, i really am progressing alot! and it is a confidence booster to see it written down in front of you. but, what im saying is even though im feeling sooo much better, doesnt mean im gonna not ever have the urge to drink. ive been doing this everyday for 10 yrs (ok, maybe 5% of the 10 yrs i didnt drink) im gonna have the urge every once in a while. (oh and if the 10 yrs comes to a shock to anyone, dont dwell on it, it is what it is, and it is in the past. so no reason to get mad or sit there and think about it in your head and let it get u down. its not worth it. we are looking toward the future now) but what i learned yesterday was what to do when u do have that urge. how to supress it, and make you realize how much you DONT need that drink. what all you could loose. my instructor calls them trade off"s. and ill show u what i mean. ok, say im really wanting a drink, stop yourself, take 15 minutes to sit down and really think about this. (by the way, its a proven fact that cravings only last about 15 minutes if you dont give into them. i know that sounds like BS, but if we handle the craving in a good positive way, it will go away soon) ok, so sit and take 15 mins, alone or if you have someone there that can help u and give u some support, they can help u too. ok make u 2 column on a piece of paper,start with the column of benifits of taking the drink. what would be beneficial in this.....

• instant relif of whatever it is bothering u
• quenched the craving

ok, so i came up with two. now, do ur 2nd column. it is your trade off's:what you could/would lose if you took that drink, in other words, what are you willing to trade off for a drink.

• could lose my kids
• could lose my husband
• could lose my family
• risking the chance of falling back into the downward spiral
• could lose things i own

now, there is 5, and i could have kept going. so i look at this list and say to myself, everything in the trade off list is everone i love. am i willing to trade off any or all of these things just to drink...JUST TO DRINK! when you stop and really imagine what your life would be like if you didnt have any of these things...everyone you love, everyone that makes you happy, everyone that loves you...., all for a drink. it makes u not say no but HELL NO! doing this on paper, seeing and reading and imagining it, puts things into perspective for you. to go from everything to nothing...i cant even imagine that! so, i think this little exercise is going to be great!

so, the rest of the day was pretty busy, after supper we went to go play some pool for a while and then back home. and fell asleep in peace tonight! yay!anyways, ill write later!