Day 44

well well well, the last full day is finally here. i cant believe it has gone this fast. well it really does seem like i have been here for 6 weeks once i think back on it. alot has happened during these past 6 weeks. i have met so many people for all over the country and i think that in itself is amazing! i love meeting new people, especially ones that are from other states or countries. alot of the people here have become good friends and im gonna miss them and all the laughs we all had! this is just a chapter in my life, hard, good, life changing (in so many ways), painful, and joyful. I could go on and on about this place and the things i have learned. i honestly think more people should experience what i have here, not just addicts. you learn so much about life, its incredible. i honest know that if i had not taken this chance that i was presented with, i would have never found how to have true happiness. long lasting happiness. God does know what he is doing, even if i have to fall to the bottom of the pit to realize it. and thats ok, becouse it could be worse. im blessed with so many friends and family that care and that is amazing. there are some here who have absolutely no one and no where to go when they leave here. they would give anything to have even just one person that was there for them, but they dont. that is just so sad! anyways, i have to say, as far as experiences go, that teach you and you learn from, this is right up there with school. you go to school to get an education, which is very important. but i came here and learned about life. about how amazing it can be, and i am the one who can make it that way. no other place, no other counciling sessions, or anything could ever come close to teaching me what i have learned here. im truely greatful!! thanks mom! probably the best money you ever spent!! (well on me anyways!)

ok, yesterday, it was sort of a slow day. i went to the gym twice, and i had a meeting with Rit, the career guy, but that only lasted about 20 minutes. so, nothing much went on with me. just sort of hung out all day. after supper, we played wiffle ball. it was pretty damn cold out there, probably in the upper 30's and it was windy. so we bundled up and went out to play. ive never played this game before, so.....i didnt know what to expect. we had 2 teams of 4 each. there is not a whole lot that goes into playing wiffle ball. i did pretty good. we had some amazing laughs playing that game! one guy, ok........ill breif u on him really quick....he probably never touched a football in his life, has to find the science in ANYTHING you say or do, thinks he knows everything, and is ANNOYING AS HELL! he is a big pussy is what he is! so.......he is in the field, the ball gets hit in his direction, and he JOGS to get the ball and as he is jogging, he buckles down and grabbed his calf, and says.....".oh! my leg! im out of the game! " OMG! really?? r you serious?? this was in the first 5 minutes of the game! so, whatever, he is out. we could not help but laugh the entire game over that. i mean come on! ok, then we have chris. he is the one who is in my classes with me. he is 20, and a very good guy. i know alot about him since we have class together and this guy has a heart of gold, very determined, and considerant. he is like my little brother. so anyways, he is kind of competative. he is real athletic and stuff, great at sports. so he thinks wiffle ball is gonna be a breeze. he struck out 3 times!! we laughed our ass off so much over that!! he was getting soooo frustated! it was really funny. gues it was one of those you had to be there moments. we had a blast! so we come inside, an dandy pulls the game out called cranium. ive never played it before but it was pretty dang fun! i would love to have that game but it would require at least 4 people to play......but it was a fun game. we started off with 4 teams of 2. nicole and dave, andy and chris, me a nd lawerence, and gene and jimmy. we played it that way for a bit and then we decided to make it 2 teams of 4 instead. nicole, gene, jimmy and dave verses me, lawerence, chris, and andy. this game involes, drawing, acting, sculpting with clay,& trivia. and probably more, i just dont remember them at the moment. needless to say we got a lot of laughs out of that game! im glad my last few days here have been fun. and it also passes the time by faster! and that means the faster i get to see my family!! yay! its early in the day so, ill write more tonight and probably in the airport before my flight. so ttyl!

Day 42

Hmmm....day 37 to 42. im slacking a bit huh? lol! I'm just so ready to come home! I've been sick these past few days. I'm so tired of being sick! I'm getting better now though. I went to the Urgent Care center here Friday and I have Broncidus and Sinusidous. They gave me an inhalor and the Z-pack. That Z-pack always does the trick!! The pollen level here right now they say is ridiculously high right now. Half the house is sick becouse of it. I really wish I had kept up with my writing becouse, as I've said before, I forget things way to easily. Well, I've been getting ready to leave, so I have been finishing up the program. Its about preparing to come home and what we are going to do with our future. Ive got some pretty good ideas of what im wanting to do. Just to brief you, it includes getting a job, joinging a gym, volunteering, and finding a hobby I really enjoy. And of course spending time with my family! (that one should be a given!) Im also going to have my kids a bday party. I was not there on their birthday so we are going to celebrate it when i get home!

Yesterday we went somewhere that I enjoyed. It was a historical museum in Albany. They had some neat things there. Lots of history in that area. There was a carousel at the top of the building that a few of us went to ride! It was pretty neat. I sure didnt wake up that morning expecting that later I would be riding on a carousel! lol! You never know what to expect day to day! I could have stayed longer at the museum but some of the others were ready to go outside and explore downtown by the college. I admit, I was too. The town was beautiful!! Lots of old, gorgeous buildings! There were lots of people out and about as well. There was a tulip festival going on as well so there was alot of people out going to that. The tulip festival is something they do every year for mothers day. We didnt go to the festival, it was really big and we didnt have to much time. It would have been lots of fun though. I got some really neat pictures while we were walking around though! We did get a really good laugh out of something we saw though. there was about 50 (mainly) men in red dresses and wigs running down the streets! they said it was for beer! Im sure they were already drunk! It was really funny to see. As we were walking back to the museum, it started to pour down rain. I loved every minute of it! One thing I noticed though, it was like all the sudden everyone that was walking down the street had magical umberellas! They just seemed to appear out of no where! Everyone had one! But the whole time we were walking down the streets, i didnt see a single person carrying an umberella, yet, when it starts to rain, POOF! everyone has umberellas! oh well! I enjoyed it! After our adventure in Albany, we came back to the house. We watched a movie and just hung out. I got some flowers sent to me from Billy! They were so pretty! They make our room look really nice! I didnt really do to much that night. I just relaxed and hung out with a few of the people here, had lots laughs! Some of them are really funny! Its good that I got a good laugh becouse I have been pretty sick and somewhat annoyed here these past few days. A few of the people here annoy the shit out of me. One of them annoys me before he even opens his damn mouth! ugh! Just 3 more days... As the days get closer, the more harder it seems to get becouse im so ready to go home, the days seem to drag out longer and longer! That is annoying too! and it makes me frustrated! But, hey, I need to just chill and quit thinking that way. Ill be home really soon. No need to let it make me feel tht way.

So, today, I woke up and started to get ready for church. After I was ready, I went downstairs to eat breakfast. I look outside and it is snowing!!! wow! Snow on mothers day! Who would have ever thought!! A group of us walked to church in the snow this morning. I have never walked to church in the snow and I really enjoyed it! Yes it was cold and windy but I loved it! I havent done much else today. I need to go do some laundry.........maybe i should get that out of the way! ok, ...ill ttyl!

Day 37

Today is Wednesday and I just got home from the gym. The past few days I have been in a funk for some reason. Im not really sure why i have had such a sour attitude but I kind of have. I am sick with allergies and that has some to do with it becouse the ear aches, sore throasts, drainage, sneezing, drainage, and a little weezing does not really put you in the best of moods. I know some of those symptons dont really sound all like allergies, but thats how it started and I have just progressed from there. I finally got some medicine last night at Walmart. I took it this morning and now that I am home from the gym, im feeling better. I took, claritin, mucinex, aleve, and my other meds i have to take. So, Im good for now. I sure did wake up feeling bad though! Anyways, I havent written in a few days, I have felt to bad to write. but let me start out with an interesting (but gross) not. Alright. We got this new guy in named Jack. I have never seen anyone so messed up on heroin and opiotes (pain meds) and no telling what else, in my life. His father brought him in, but first tried to take him to detox here at the hospital in town. The hospital refused to take him, (which I didnt know they could do that) becouse he was taking saboxone. okay, let me take a little time out to explain two drugs to you. Saboxone, contains a substance that is similar to the opioids such as moraphine, codeine, and heroin, however it produces a less euphoric effect so it may be easier to come down off of. Then you have methadone. Methadone is a narcodic that fits in the same catagory as heroin, (or opioids). This medication is known to be safe and effective for the treatment of addiction to opioids, but now there is a growing addiction in people for methadone. When methadone is used, it is beleived to prevent moraphine and narcotics like heroin from getting to interacton receptors for painkillers that are basically natural and termed as endorphins. By ensuring that the effects caused by drugs that have an addictive nature are blocked, methodone reduces the physical craving that is normally triggered off. Both of these drugs have extreme withdrawl effects. They say sometimes it feels worse to come off saboxone or methadone than it is heroin. Some treatment centers distribute these medications to there patients but other treatment centers do not beleive in this method of treatment. Its pretty much like giving u a medication to help you ease the pain of the withdrawl symptons (heroin as an example) but then you have to detox from that medication as well with a good chance of worse withdrawl effects than you had coming off the heroin in the first place! Stupid i think. Anyways, back to my story on Jack. So, the hospital would not take him becouse he was on suboxone as well. Dont ask me why they wouldnt take him just becouse he was on saboxone. If you could see the state he is in, you would be suprised the guy is even alive. So, his father brings him here. He reakes of shit. literally. not BO, sweat, or just becouse he hasnt taken a shower. Reaks of shit. Shannon show him to his room. Where he took a shower and then got into bed. He is rooming with Sam. So, Sam is spraying the room with febreeze and lysol to take the shit smell out of the room. Sam goes into the bathroom and says he doesnt really know what all Jack did in that bathroom, becouse there was no soap, shampoo, towels, or anything in there. Sam said, i guess he just went in there and rinsed off and got in bed! Well, Jack was throwing up all threw the night. Sam helped him as much as he could. He was in bed all the next day, still throwing up. Well the next night, he starts haveing seizures, and throwing up and shitting all over himself. He shit all in his bed, all over his clean clothes (that were on the bed, yes, he was sleeping on top of them). He then slept all in it for the rest of the night. Sam got up and came downstairs to sleep, and said it was like Jack had no idea what he was doing or where he was he was so out of it. Well, by morning time, Jack finally balled up his sheets and threw them on the floor. turns out it was so bad, the sheets AND THE MATTRESS had to be thrown away! He still hasnt came downstairs at this point, he can barely stand up. The next night, Sam said that he would jump up in the middle of the night hollering, "Where is the bottom deck? And where is the captain?! Our ship is under attack!" Crazy huh? and then when Sam woke in the morning, he said that Jack was asleep in the middle of the hallway. Later that day, I saw him trying to walk to the bathroom. I go to my room for a minute and come back out to go downstairs and Jack has just took a seat on the floor in the hallway. Now, the hallways are really narrow, so, he is blocking the entire width of the hallway. I walk up to him and ask if he was ok, and his response was,"yeah...., you know,...just hangin out" I asked if he needed anything and he said no so I stepped over him and went on downstairs. Yesterday he finally came downstairs for a bit and ate a little something....but he is still in so much pain. He walks around with this look of agony on his face. Poor thing! I couldnt even imagine! Maybe he will be a little better today. We will see! We lost 2 guys last night. Christian and Chris B. Not the Chris im in a class with, that is Chris H. Christian tested positive for opioids. I really hated to see him go becouse he was so funny and I think he almost had completed the program. Now Chris B. ......he was prescribed oxycotton by the doctor for some reason, an injury I think. Well He got his prescription fill like almost 2 weeks ago, and they counted his pills and he was 38 short. So he had either taken 38 to many or had been selling some, i dont know. He was kicked out. What is sad is that this SAturday would have been his last day here. Sad right? But hey, like they say, its all about choice. They both chose to do that. The pills did not just jump down their throat. You make a negative decision, you will have negative consiquences. That was our drama for last night. I wonder if there will be any drama today....

We went to Walmart last night, and I stocked up on medication yesterday, but I forgot to buy more mucinex, i have one more pill but I need to walk down the gas station today and buy some more. But man, its so expensive to begin with, its even more crazy at this gas station! But i really need it so Ill go get some in a bit. Our outing for this evening is to go to the YMCA. Im probably gonna go, the girls wanna swim, but im not so sure if i wanna swim.....I dont know, we will see.

Oh! I found out that there are websites that can turn my blogs into a book! So, when I am done im gonna get this made into a hardback book. I think it will be really neat! Im gonna go in and fix spelling and punctuation and all before i get it printed, and maybe add a few little things here and there too. But, anyways, I wanted to share that with you!

Im so ready to go home. I will have to say, it has been an adventure here. And a good experience as well. I have met so many people from so many different places across the US. I have seen lots of sites around this area, and tried things that I normally would have just said no to back at home. Some things (like the mountain hike) that I never thought id ever get to do! This experience has been nothing under amazing, and I say that not just becouse of the people ive met and the places ive gone and the people ive met, its the learning experience that i have had. i have totally turned my negative thoughts into possitive ones. i feel i have totally changed my life into something i have always wanted but never thought id get or even come close to even knowing how to acheive this level of happiness. It feels great to actually be me again. Not haveing to depend on alcohol to create happiness for me, and to make me feel good. I dont depend on it anymore to stop the shaking, or the headaches becouse all that is gone. Ive learned so much here. I feel so happy and ready to live life, and do things, and enjoy every moment. Im ready to start over. I wish i could explain the way this makes me feel, like as in comparrison to........actually....like your really excited and your jumping up and down with your hands in the air hollering yaaaay! I know thats silly but thats what it feels like. Well, Im going to go start my day. (starting with homework) lol! ttyl!

Day 34 part 2

i thought id write a little about today so far. its 5 pm here and most everyone has gone bowling. i wanted to go but i feel to bad to do anything. sinus mess has kicked in again, and im so weak and sleepy, i had to sit out this one. i went to the gym this morning and had a good workout. i love getting up and going really early, it gives me energy and i feel so much better. next a few of us went to this Methodist church that is down the road. now, compared to the 2 churches at home that i really like (first west and life church), this one was a joke. there was no preaching what so ever, the song choices they chose to sing were just boring, not even a pretty tune to them. there was about 20 people in there including the 5 of us that were in there. but whatever. i did enjoy going though. well, the rest of the day i played on my computer and the worse and worse i felt. my throat started to hurt, along with my ears and my head. honestly i think there has been about only 10 days here that i have not been sick. maybe i will get better when i get home. so, here i am, just writing, cause i feel like it. hopefully i will feel better soon. i took some tylenol cold and flu stuff, but we will see! i have some homework to do tonight. i have to make a happiness list. we are supost to write down in catagories what does or would make us happy. absolutely anything. even like being a millionaire and stuff. so this should be pretty easy! lol! anyways, i just wanted to jot some things down! ttyl!

Day 34

first off, i just read yesterdays post and i said i was typing it on saturday and was writing about friday..........well i was wrong! lol! it was friday and i was talking about thursday! i dont know where i came up with that! today is sunday. ill start with yesterday...........i didnt go to the gym. i was thinking i was gonna give myself a break, and rest up and have a lazy day. and man was it lazy! i slept in, and then in a little bit, took a nap that was like 4 hours! im not so sure why i slept so much, but i just could not keep my eyes open. for the rest of the day, becouse i slept so long i was no good for anything, even conversation. i had the feeling of when you over sleep and you seem to drag around for the rest of the day with no energy. thats exactly how i was. while i was asleep, poppy banged on the door and woke me up wanting to know if i wanted to go to walmart with a few others. i said yes, not becouse i wanted to go to walmart, but becouse i wanted to go to the tanning beds which is beside walmart. i really like the tanning beds that they have there. it would be nice to have one of those of my own. haha! (i can dream) the tanning bed woke me up a good bit and i was feeling better. after walmart, sam needed to go to the cell phone store, (i dont know which company it was so im just calling it the cell phone store) we drove up and there were firetrucks and cop cars all in the parking lot. interesting! come to find out, someone set of f a little bomb in the bushes that cought them on fire. the cops were thinking of charging him with terrorism. (so they say) i dont know what came of that becouse we left. the rest of the day i was down again. everyone kept asking me if i was ok, and i was. just no energy or no care to have energy. as i said on facebook, i felt like a squashed banana. yuck. we had seminar at 6:15. movie night. we watched The Ultimate Gift. oh man , that movie was good! i have never heard of it before but man it was great! i cryed like a baby through half of it! so that movie really didnt help my squashed banana mood. i went straight upstairs and took a shower. after that, i just sort of hung around. i got on my computer, and looked for a new game to play on facebook. i found one called social city. i started to play that and i liked it! i used to play all kinds of the little games on facebook like farmville, fish world, petville.....games like that. i havent played any of them in a while. so i thought id get on there and see what i could find! and i found one! lol! i played that, and then went to bed. the next thing i know, i wake up, at 3:30 am with my face in my pillow, i was drooling in my hair, my light was still on above my bed, and my computer was still on. how i slept that hard i do not know. i got up and came downstairs to get something to drink. our overnight guy, Paul, was here so i sat and talked to him while he folded towels. after i drank my diet pepsi and ate some macaroni, i went back to bed and i slept great!!

Day 32

Today is saturday. so, im gonna end up writing about friday. my friday was good. it started out with the gym, which that workout was ok, but i was getting a little tired and weakish....but i did fine. me and my classmate, chris, went to eat lunch with our instructor jessica. we went to this place called The Recovery. (ironic huh?) there are like 6 or 7 of these resturants in NY. they build their resturant right across from a hospital. its a sports bar and grill. it was really neat. they had anything that has to do with any sport. they had a nascar section with like half a racing car mounted somehow on the corner of the resturant. and underneath was like a mini arcade. and it also had a pool table and a basketball game, and a air hockey game too i think. my kiddos would have loved it! to bad i cant take them to it. oh well. the food was good. and it was a nice change to get out of the house and go eat. even though last weekend me and billy went to 2 resturants i still like the opprtunity to go out to eat. it was good, but The Raindancer that me and billy went to was way better! after that, jessica (out teacher) talked us into volunteering at the nursing home. and that ment going and playing cards or checkers or do arts and crafts or whatever with the old people. noticed i said she TALKED us into it.... well, when we got there is was pretty awkward. but as we sat down at a table to play uno with 3 of the old women it wasnt so bad. then this one old lady, man she was a character! she was telling us that she doesnt have a boyfriend becouse she needs a variety of men! lol! and that she could teach matt, (one of our young guy instructors) a thing or 2 when she takes him to her house! lol! and that she is gonna to teach him to shimmy shimmy! and that he needs to watch out becouse she likes sexy music! this lady was a nut! i ended up haveing alot more fun than i thought i would have. after that, we came to the house and i took a nap that i had been wanting since the moment i got up. it was great! then we had supper and then we headed out to go play mini putt putt and go drive go carts. it was all fun and stuff. to bad the go carts didnt go faster than they did. and putt putt was ok but there towards the end it just gets boring. i was ready to go home by 8:00, we left 30 minutes after that. when we got to the house, there was nothing to do. so i ate some soup, watched tv, hung out with some people, and then went to bed. it was a good day but not to much exciting happened. hopefully today will be a good day! we will see!

Day 30

good morning! again, im writing a day behind. (just thought id enlighten you on that! hehe!) so......yesterday......i got 3 hours of sleep, i got woken up like 10 times from 12 till 4:30. this girl in our room, she has a sleeping problem. and when she cant sleep, she drives herself into a tizzy! ugh! well, me and the other 2 girls wanted to sleep, she ...all night long mind u, is stomping in the room, throwing shit, slaming the door and hollering I CANT FUKN SLEEP! talk about pissed when i woke up at 6am. so i let my teacher know the situation, and the staff ended up haveing a meeting in the evening (hmmmm i wonder why? lol!) anyways, class was good, i think im figuring some of me out. one thing i did learn about is, what i can do if the urge to drink comes on, a way to calm it or make it go away. as much as i have done great here, and have almost retrained my brain......(ill explain that process in another blog if i dont get to it in this one) literally thinking totally different, i have not wanted to drink, didnt really care to, and i am feeling great! but we are human, and there is a good chance u will THINK about it from time to time. notice i said think, not DO. as ur in the process of retraining how ur brain thinks (negative into possitive) the more it will be just second nature to think so possitively, u will be doing it and not even realizing it. and then the urges should slowly fade, and get fewer and fewer. ok, yesterday in class, we had to write about how we felt the day we came into the program, and then write about how you are feeling now. so i put it into two columns so i could easily tell the difference....these were my columns.....

the day i came here

• depresssed
• sad
• scared
• hurt
• detoxing (sucked)
• craving a drink
• guilty
• ashamed
• embarrassed
• hating myself
• worn down
• wanted to hide from the world
• horrible sleeping habits

how i feel now

• energetic (gym 2x's a day helps alot)
• happy
• outgoing
• excited
• confident
• hopeful
• i feel better
• i sleep better
• friendlier
• i dont wake up grouchy
• determined
• optimistic

so.......BIG difference huh? and im not just saying these things or putting extras in there to make me sound better, i really feel those things. makes you realized , hey, i really am progressing alot! and it is a confidence booster to see it written down in front of you. but, what im saying is even though im feeling sooo much better, doesnt mean im gonna not ever have the urge to drink. ive been doing this everyday for 10 yrs (ok, maybe 5% of the 10 yrs i didnt drink) im gonna have the urge every once in a while. (oh and if the 10 yrs comes to a shock to anyone, dont dwell on it, it is what it is, and it is in the past. so no reason to get mad or sit there and think about it in your head and let it get u down. its not worth it. we are looking toward the future now) but what i learned yesterday was what to do when u do have that urge. how to supress it, and make you realize how much you DONT need that drink. what all you could loose. my instructor calls them trade off"s. and ill show u what i mean. ok, say im really wanting a drink, stop yourself, take 15 minutes to sit down and really think about this. (by the way, its a proven fact that cravings only last about 15 minutes if you dont give into them. i know that sounds like BS, but if we handle the craving in a good positive way, it will go away soon) ok, so sit and take 15 mins, alone or if you have someone there that can help u and give u some support, they can help u too. ok make u 2 column on a piece of paper,start with the column of benifits of taking the drink. what would be beneficial in this.....

• instant relif of whatever it is bothering u
• quenched the craving

ok, so i came up with two. now, do ur 2nd column. it is your trade off's:what you could/would lose if you took that drink, in other words, what are you willing to trade off for a drink.

• could lose my kids
• could lose my husband
• could lose my family
• risking the chance of falling back into the downward spiral
• could lose things i own

now, there is 5, and i could have kept going. so i look at this list and say to myself, everything in the trade off list is everone i love. am i willing to trade off any or all of these things just to drink...JUST TO DRINK! when you stop and really imagine what your life would be like if you didnt have any of these things...everyone you love, everyone that makes you happy, everyone that loves you...., all for a drink. it makes u not say no but HELL NO! doing this on paper, seeing and reading and imagining it, puts things into perspective for you. to go from everything to nothing...i cant even imagine that! so, i think this little exercise is going to be great!

so, the rest of the day was pretty busy, after supper we went to go play some pool for a while and then back home. and fell asleep in peace tonight! yay!anyways, ill write later!